Liquid Footprints

The Common Denominator

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Relationships are tough. They are hard to establish and difficult to nurture in our too busy world. Often when they go foul, we blame. We blame ourselves, the other person, and others.

When we have a series of break ups that follow a certain pattern we can become misogynistic or misandrous. However, that is falling into the blame game. It does not help. Rather we need to look at the common denominator in our failed relationships: ourselves.

We cannot change other people. We only have power over our own thoughts and behaviors. If we continue to have a series of failed relationships, likely the problem is with our behavior. Thoughts determine our actions.  If we think all women are “bitches” or all guys are “dicks”, than we will act in ways that attract those that fit that criteria. It is like an alcoholic who continues to drive by their favorite bar instead of changing their route.

Likewise we will act in ways that will make people react to us as we expect them too. People generally react to kindness with kindness. People react to misogyny with androgyny.  They will react to a “transaction” relationship in similar regard. The goal of a relationship isn’t to get something. Rather, it is to share. Expecting sex or money  or anything in return poisons the relationship.

Again, how you think shapes how you act. How you act determines how people will react to you. The only person you can change and control is you. Next time a relationship fails, learn from the mistakes and examine your behavior. Breakups are not always your doing. Sometimes things just don’t work. Self reflection is excellent even in these cases as long as it isn’t driven by guilt or depression. Self reflection needs to be objective to be helpful. It shows us areas we need to improve: can I converse? Am I self centered? Am I too other-centered? Am I clingy? What did I do right?

Relationships are about self discovery as much as they are about discovering another person. We must be open to what we find.

Author: Chris

Wanders the world of Japanese culture and library nerdiness.

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