Typically Nice Guys bemoan how they can’t get a date as women only like the “bad boys.” Nice Guys are very possessive but never seek to commit when in a relationship. Often, these men are clingy, insecure, self abasing, and their whole identity is based upon how other people view them. Nice Guys are desperate to please…everyone. In a romantic relationship, nice guys set their interest on a pedestal. She becomes the goddess of his life.
Nice Guys do have a somewhat valid argument about how some – note I said SOME- women cling to emotionally or physically abusive alpha males when better alternatives are available. However, the main reason why Nice Guys can’t find anyone to date is typically because of that mistaken view. They give up and just complain about the state of the world instead of looking at their own issues that prevent developing the relationship they desire.
I was a Nice Guy. Speaking from experience, I was very possessive toward a girl I liked but never had the balls to commit to dating. That failure was my fault entirely. But as a Nice Guy, I didn’t want to ‘risk’ the friendship. I was above such things as romantic relationships. So I thought anyway. I hovered around as a friend despite her expressing interest in changing our friendship to something else. I never committed. In the end, my lack of commitment ended the friendship. At the end my faulty subconscious ideas came to the forefront and I treated her like a possession that was somehow broken. Reflecting back I am ashamed of such an attitude and my lack of identity. This is unfortunately very common with Nice Guys.
Nice Guys view women as property. Not to beat up on the Bible, but many Nice Guys subconsciously buy into the idea of women as their property as found in the Old Testament and areas of the New Testament. Although they treat her like the finest porcelain, Nice Guys fail to recognize the girl as a human who often doesn’t want to be considered a goddess. The burden of being a porcelain goddess is unfair and impossible to live up to. She is his “life” and only source of “happiness.” Nice Guys proudly preach about “my girlfriend” or “my girl” or “my love” like a missionary among heathens. When around a Nice Guy preaching, count the possessive words.
Nice Guys have major insecurities. They feel unworthy of a relationship. They worship often from afar. Nice Guys pass a woman on the street and wonder how he appeared to her. Does she think I am ‘nice?’ Nice Guys have no real sense of self. Their only self is determined by how they think other people view them. They lay down their identity to become what someone will think is ‘nice.’ They are devastated when someone doesn’t like them. They are terrified of being hated. Ironically enough Nice Guys are often disliked for this very reason.
Nice Guys think themselves above “mere” sexual desires. They deeply want a spiritual connection with someone. However, they are unable to have this connection because of how unattainable they make it. They want to join with someone and lose themselves in the other. Nice Guys believe in the ONE; the one and only mate in their life that is perfect for them. Again, ironically, the idea of the ONE is intended to flatter her to his bed. Despite touting how he is above sex, Nice Guys are far more underhanded than the “bad” guys in order to get it. Nice Guys are often racked with guilt about their sexual desires and fantasies. This drives them to set her ever higher on the pedestal so not to taint her with those desires.
Nice Guys are loud martyrs. They toot their own horn about how nice they are to their love and other people. They love to speak about what they give up for others. They want people to be jealous of how “good” he treats his inner circle. He seeks the spotlight to reaffirm his sense of self.
Nice Guys won’t change until they realize their sense of self. Nice Guys can’t be changed by their goddess until they see their inner self. She can threaten to break up with him, but he will only fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness for his sins. She can walk away. This is the worst shock to the Nice Guy. For some, they are forced to finally see what they have avoided for so long. For others, they fall into a deep depression that only reinforces the Nice Guy Syndrome.Nice Guys finish last after all, right?
A person can only change themselves. No one can do it for them. The root of the Nice Guy Syndrome is a lack of identity. Such men have a distorted view of themselves. Typically, they think themselves a sinner unworthy of love. From this view they overcompensate to appear “good, kind, nice” without defining those words. Nice Guys are really just selfish. A person can only be selfless after they discover a self to give to others. People with a sense of self don’t need people to like them. A Nice Guy is unable to relate to anyone because he don’t know himself. How can you share what you do not know? All a Nice Guy can offer is empty adoration.
Now, nice guys do exist. They are the quiet men who know their self worth. They seek to ease suffering in others without asking anything in return. They relate to people on a human level. Nice guys have enemies and are okay with that. Nice guys kiss their love tenderly and do animal things under night’s camera. They commit to their word and pursue what they want. They know who they are and accept the face in the mirror. They work to change themselves because it is what they want to be, and not what they believe people want them to be.
Once a Nice Guy stops being “nice”, he will find people will like him a lot more. He will also find he can finally have a real human relationship.